August 1, 1998

Opinion polls abound on every topic but they should be regarded more as entertainment than fact. To demonstrate my premise, I did some man-on-the-street polling. Of course, having taken two (count them, two) statistics courses in college, I know that such polls can be skewed since proportionately more idiots venture outdoors in Macon's August weather. Nevertheless, I'm confident that my results have a tolerable margin of error (plus or minus 94 percent).

The five questions shown below were asked and the responses from each of the participants A through F follow.

1. What do you think of polls?

1. "They're OK, but Hungarians cook better food."
2. "Which one? North or South?"
3. "I think they're all part of a media conspiracy."
4. "No comment."
5. "They're invaluable tools. Politicians couldn't dream up their campaign promises all by themselves."
6. "Get out of my face!"

2. Do you think Secret Service agents should be compelled to testify before the Starr grand jury?

1. "We should focus on global warming and the economy, not whether President Clinton had sex with Paula Starr."
2. "I think the Secret Service should be called to testify about Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe. We need to know what really happened to her."
3. "Only if the agents are compelled to take off their sunglasses. We need to know whether or not they're aliens."
4. "No comment."
5. "Some people think that compelling testimony might compromise the president's safety or national secrets. But who gives a hoot? We need to know if President Clinton scored with Monica."

3. Do you think that Mayor Marshall is right to veto parity between police and firefighters?

1. "Absolutely. Police and firefighters are too important to ridicule with parody."
2. "I think the mayor should have a line item veto. That way, he could veto parity for firefighters but not for police."
3. "I think we should investigate those payroll consultants; the police probably have something on them. Maybe a hidden camera in their hotel rooms or some such."
4. "No comment."
5. "Who?"

4. Do you think that Kenneth Starr is doing a good job?

1. "Wasn't he a quarterback for Greenbay once?"
2. "Who?"
3. "Yes, he's doing exactly what the aliens and Al Gore tell him to do."
4. "No comment."
5. "I think that he's spent way too much money on all this obstruction, Whitewater and China-gate stuff. He needs to focus exclusively on the sex. Taxpayers want their money's worth."

5. Should Macon and Bibb County governments merge into one?

1. "Only if there's no parody of government."
2. "No. If they merge, then City Council numbers would grow from 15 to heaven knows what. It's too big already."
3. "No, it's trick to get raises for city employees."
4. "No comment...are we done yet?"
5. "I'm not sure, maybe we should study it some more, maybe hire some consultants."

The summary tally for the poll is as follows:

Yes, 17 percent;

No, 17 percent;

Ignorant, 33 percent;

Clueless, 33 percent.

Yes, 20 percent;

No, 0 percent;

Bizarre, 40 percent;

Clueless, 40 percent.

Yes, 0 percent;

No, 0 percent;

Flaky, 20 percent;

Clueless, 80 percent.

Yes, 0 percent;

No, 20 percent;

Flaky, 20 percent;

Comatose, 60 percent.

Yes, 0 percent;

No, 20 percent;

Ignorant, 20 percent;

Clueless, 60 percent.

Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge, some just gargle and many are severely dehydrated. Drink all you can to help reduce the "cluelessness" ratio in poll samples. Consider sources, read various opinions in context, then form your own.

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